i can't

i can't. i can't i can't i can't.

i can't do this anymore. its going to kill me. i just can't. i need to move on.

but.

i can't stop loving him. i can't and i need to because its the worst thing ever.
i can't because thinking of everything that happened literally makes me sick to my stomach.
i can't because he's the only one i ever think about.
he's the one i don't want to think about, but i cannot stop.
i can't because i never got to kiss him, i never felt his breath between my lips.
i can't because i spend my days fantasizing about him surprising me,
showing up on my doorstep, telling me he made a mistake.
i can't because i see her everyday.
i see her and i think of what they used to have and i agonize over whether he chose her.
i can't because i don't even know if he chose her.
i don't even know because he is so confusing and frustrating
and he makes everything so unclear.

i can't because he might still have feelings for me.

there is that sliver of a chance and while i know its probably not true,

it makes it impossible to let go.

i can't because i think about being in his arms every second.

the hairs of his beard brushing my cheek gently.

the feeling of his warmth beneath my fingers.

i can't because the way our fingers intertwined was perfect.

it felt warm and soft and right.

i can't because he understood me.

he just got me, right from the start.

and i don't find that often. not often at all.

i can't because we would be perfect together.

i know we would. and it's too hard for me to give up on that.

i can't because EVERYTHING makes me think of him.

crayons. tattoos. band tees. school buses. nose rings.

and every time i see them im completely overwhelmed.

i can't because i practically start crying in the middle of the gym when a song comes on that makes me think of him. which is a lot of songs.

i can't because i've tried and it doesn't work. i want to stop so much.

its just not going to happen.

i can't because i don't see other guys. i don't even see them as being guys.

its like they don't exist to me now.

i can;t because i imagined our insane, amazing, beautiful future and it's all i want.

i thought it was really going to happen and now the pain is eating me up.

i can't because i want him more than i've ever wanted anything in my life.



i can't breathe. i can't focus. i can't be without him. i can't go the rest of my life wondering what it would have been like.



i just can't.






(via leloveimage)